


All My Bad Thoughts.

by Cuthwyn



Series: Jayroy Week 2017 [3]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Command Hallucinations, Graphic depiction of self harm, Hallucinations, Jason gets told some very horrible things, M/M, VERY TRIGGERY, auditory hallucinations, triggers everywhere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-30 01:45:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12643611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cuthwyn/pseuds/Cuthwyn
Summary: Jason doesn't have voices he just has bad thoughts.That talk to him.Jayroy Week 2017Day three: Hallucinations





	All My Bad Thoughts.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this was a tricky one for me to write.  
> Maybe something I will explore again in another fic?  
> I felt that it needs more than a oneshot but I've tried my best.
> 
> Thank you for reading x

‘Ha ha! And then what happened?’  
Jason grinned around the straw of his milkshake at Tim sat opposite him. They had bumped into each other on patrol and even though his mood was a bit down recently, Jason had relented to dropping into a random diner with his brother for a catch up. It was a nice break from life, which at the moment was stressing him out to the nines with a barrage of cases he was working on.  
Tim smiled back and took a big slurp of coffee before setting it down with a chuckle.  
‘Well, Dick and I went over to the idiot and tried to convince him to let go of’  
‘He's laughing at you.’  
The straw slipped out from between Jason's lips, head shooting up to look at Tim.  
‘He's replaced you and now he's laughing at you. Idiot!’  
‘Hood?’  
Hissing, Jason blinked and shook his head. Forcing a smile he took another sip of his drink, concentrating on the milky strawberry flavour on his tongue.  
‘Sorry, what were you saying?’ He said with an innocent tone, and Tim gave him a very put upon look.  
‘Seriously? Honestly Hood, you have the attention span of a goldfish I swear to God.’ Taking a sip of his coffee, Tim shook his head with a fond chuckle. ‘As I was saying, Dick and I found this idiot who was convinced that he should’

‘ You're a dumb child. The Replacement has coffee, all grown up. Why are you drinking a milkshake? Chuck it over him.’  
‘No.’ Jason muttered under his breath, taking a large gulp of milkshake just to prove his point.  
‘No? No, what?’ Tim asked, his forehead crinkling in confused concern. ‘Hood, are you listening to me?’  
‘Are you listening? Chuck it! Chuck it! Chuck it!’  
Jason closed his eyes and shook his head, this can't be happening. Not here, not now.  
‘CHUCK IT OR DIE!’  
A jolt of fear shot down his spine and before Jason knew which way was up, Tim was sat gaping at him, strawberry milkshake dripping down his face. Jason could only sit in absolute horror at what he had done. With trembling hands he gathered up a wad of napkins and shoved them at his brother before scrambling out of the booth, not daring to look up from the checkered tiled floor.  
‘’M sorry. Sorry.’ Jason mumbled, before practically running out of the diner as fast as his legs could carry him.  
‘He's running away.’

Jason ran until his legs burned and his lungs screamed at him for air. Jason ran and ran, he ran until he finally reached his current safe house and slammed himself through the door.  
‘Jaybird?’  
Gasping, Jason shoved his hands over his ears and glanced about like a thing possessed, until his eyes fell on Roy, stood in the doorway to the living room.  
‘Jaybird are you okay?’ Roy asked, taking a step closer only for Jason to plaster himself against the door in alarm. Realising how behaving like this was just going to make things ten times worse for himself, Jason forced himself to take a step forwards.  
‘Jaybir-‘  
‘I'm fine!’ Jason snapped, shoving past Roy he strode off towards the bedroom only for a hand to catch hold of his elbow. Turning Jason around, Roy shook his head at him in bewilderment.  
‘Dick called me Jason. I know what you did to Tim. Have you run here? Come on buddy, talk to me? I know you wouldn't have thrown that milkshake without reason. I'm not mad.’ Roy pleaded, but his words fell to the ground like autumn leaves, useless. Tugging his arm free, Jason shook his head, fear swirling around inside him like a hurricane and he just needed to get out. Without a word, he fled to their bedroom. Locking the door firmly behind him, Jason dived under the blankets, forgetting that he was still wearing his Red Hood gear.

‘I see you.’  
‘Shut up!’ Jason screeched through gritted teeth, slamming a fist hard into the centre of his forehead. ‘Shut up!’  
‘Try to find us we won't quit. Start to count because you're it!’  
‘Please, no, not this again.’ Jason whispered, closing his eyes tightly shut he coiled the blankets tightly around himself to try and hide.  
‘1,2,3, better hide from me, 4,5,6, don't play tricks, 7,8,9, if you won't mind,10,11,12, I'm going to yell, 13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20’  
The bedroom door was knocking. It was probably Roy but there was no way Jason was crawling out of his hiding spot. Talking about what happened at the diner was not something he was going to do. If there was one thing Jason refused to talk about it was the bad thoughts. He hadn't had enough time yet to try and compile a cover story as to why he had thrown his milkshake in Tim’s face. Tears slowly seeped into the pillow, sticking the cotton to his face as he cried. They were having a nice time and boom, he just had to go and ruin it.  
‘There's something under the bed.’  
A familiar maniacal laugh erupted, but Jason couldn't find his own voice to scream.

The next morning, or lunchtime to the rest of the world, Jason awoke to blissful silence after a restless sleep. Changing into sweatpants and a tshirt, he stumbled out into the hallway. Roy was sat by the locked bedroom door, fast asleep and wrapped up in a blanket from the airing cupboard. Guilt twisted in Jason's stomach and he looked away. Roy had been so worried about him, he had slept outside the door to make sure he was okay. He didn't deserve that, Tim didn't deserve to have milkshake thrown in his face either. Everything was blessedly quiet as Jason padded into the kitchen and began fixing breakfast. He decided to make biscuits and gravy, Roy’s favourite, in the hopes that he would be forgiven for being an asshole. Pushing the sausage around on the skillet, Jason sucked on his lip and tried to sort through the mess of tangled knots his head had become. He felt calmer this morning, his heart no longer beat a frantic rhythm in his ears, but his chest still tightened at the thought of finally facing Roy when he woke up. What on earth was he going to say? He couldn't let him know about the bad thoughts else Roy would surely leave. He could vividly see the look of fear and disgust on Harper’s face before he walked away, leaving him alone, just like everyone else. No, no one could know about the bad thoughts. If anyone knew he'd be called crazy and locked up. It's not as if it hadn't happened before. Everyone knew the most dangerous lunatics heard voices.

Breakfast was dished up and the coffee machine had ceased its monotonous hum when Roy stumbled into the kitchen, bleary eyed with the blanket hung over his shoulders. His eyes did a quick scan of the room before settling on Jason stirring milk into mug.  
‘Jaybird?’  
Roy didn't say anything else and Jason didn't need to be a genius to know that there wasn't anything else he could say. His partner had no idea what the hell last night even was. Only that he had upset Tim, then ran back home in distress and locked himself in the bedroom. A tight smile stretched across his face as he turned and handed Roy his coffee with a slight nod.  
‘Go sit at the table. I made biscuits and gravy.’ Jason muttered, staring quite aptly at Roy's feet before collecting the plates and shuffling off towards the living room to sit at the table. He knew he should apologise for his behaviour but the idea of dragging out the inevitable was far more seductive.  
Predictably, Roy trotted in after him but instead of tucking in as he usually did, he just dragged his fork through the gravy in between tiny sips of coffee. Setting down his own fork, Jason chewed on his lip anxiously, before giving up on playing the ‘ignoring the elephant in the room’ game.  
‘I'm sorry, Harper. I-I didn't mean to make you sleep outside. I'm sorry?’

There was another, long, heavy, drawn out silence and a few more intricate patterns drawn in gravy before Roy finally lifted his head to look at him. He had never looked so worried before and it was more than just a little disconcerting.  
‘I'm not mad at you, Jay. I just- what happened last night? Talk to me.’  
‘Just- just tired. Tim got on my nerves. Little punk thinks he knows everything, he deserved more that milkshake to the face!’ Jason said, each word weighing heavy in his belly. It was more than just lying, he could lie until the cows came home, it was being forced to incriminate Tim after everything he'd done to him already. Roy nodded but instead of looking relieved, he seemed to be on the verge of tears.  
‘I thought this, us, meant more to you. I love you, Jaybird, warts and all, but you lying to me?’ Shaking his head, Roy pushed away from the table. ‘I guess that just shows where I stand.’  
‘Harper?’ Jason couldn't think of anything to say. He watched helplessly as Roy wiped the tears from his eyes and walked off to the bedroom. Now he truly was alone. Jason didn't know why he was kidding himself, everyone always left eventually. ‘Please don't go.’ He mumbled into the silence of the room.  
That afternoon, Jason watched in silence as Roy packed his bag. He watched as his best friend, his partner, his Harper slung the duffle over his shoulder and turned to give him a sad smile.  
‘I'm at Dick’s, Jay. You wanna get your head outta your ass and let me help you? Come find me. I love you.’  
‘Now who's the liar! If you loved me you wouldn't leave.’ Jason spat viciously. Roy didn't reply, he just shook his head and shut the door quietly behind him.  
‘You don't need him. Slimy worm, how needy are you?’  
Whimpering, Jason curled up on the bed and pressed his hands to his ears with a defeated sob.

Roy hadn't wanted to leave Jason, not really, but it wasn't right. Sure his Jaybird lied every other Tuesday but this was different. He was hiding something and despite all his rationalising, Jason's behaviour reminded of himself when he was hiding his addiction. Sure, he'd support Jason to the ends of the earth but he had to look after himself too, and if Jason was going down that road? He honestly couldn't be around unless he wished to sink too.  
Dick hadn't been happy when he answered the door. His face turned a vibrant shade of purple when he clocked the duffle bag slung over Roy’s shoulder.  
‘Oh no! No, nope, no! Do not tell me you left him, Roy!’  
Shrugging, Roy swallowed and looked away sheepishly.  
‘I ain't left Jay, Dick I swear. It's just, I can't, something's wrong and he's lying to me. There's more to what happened with Tim than a repeat of old battles but he won't tell me. Dick please, just a couple of nights?’ Roy asked, not even bothering to hide his exhaustion or the tears blinding him. Dick huffed and puffed for a few moments before leaning down and taking hold of the duffle bag with a sympathetic hum.  
‘Alright, enough waterworks. You can stay here okay? Just please, stop crying Roy.’

Roy sat on Dick’s couch and blinked at the blank tv screen blankly. He felt very much like a shipwrecked sailor, washed up on shore with no idea which way was up, never mind finding a way home. A pack of cola cans clinked down on the coffee table in front of him and Roy stared at that instead, as if it were an alien object.  
‘So, we waiting for the PRN to take hold or what Roy?’ Dick asked, plopping down next to him, he opened a can of his own and took a deep gulp.  
‘Huh?’  
Blinking in confusion, it took Roy a moment to work out what Dick meant before shaking his head slowly.  
‘Jay don't have emergency doses? Also, kinda don't think Big Pharma has come up with a med for asshole yet.’  
Dick didn't look amused, if anything, he looked concerned. Setting down his can, Dick buried his face in his hands before taking a leaf out of Roy’s book and staring at the blank tv.  
‘I thought he'd gotten better but he hasn't. He hasn't told you.’ Dick said, shaking his head he glanced over at a very bemused looking Roy. ‘He takes Seroquel as needed Roy. It's just, sometimes he's a moron about it.’  
That moment when a character on a cartoon runs off the cliff and for that split second just looks at the camera, that was Roy. Swallowing, he wrapped his arms around himself and just shook his head in abject defeat.

‘Little Wing, he takes Seroquel sometimes Roy. I think, I think that's what all that business with Tim was about. It's what he gets like, when he's- well he calls them bad thoughts.’  
Bad thoughts. Roy recognised that expression, he always thought Jason was talking about thoughts regarding hurting himself, it always seemed around then that he'd make noises about thoughts that were bad.  
‘Sometimes they convince him he doesn't need it. To be honest, I've never been able to convince him otherwise.’  
‘What?’ Roy blurted out, only now realising that Dick had kept on talking after he'd got lost in his own head.  
‘The voices? Jason hears voices Roy. He hides it though. God knows why? The nurses seemed to know why but, heh, he went and absconded.’  
‘Voices. Nurses?’  
Roy's head was starting to hurt. Massaging aching temps, he tried to piece all of this together. It made sense. He distinctly remembers multiple times when Jason seemed distracted or the fall out after he'd yelled ‘shut up’ in the middle of a meal with Bruce. That had not been fun to talk Jason down from.

‘Arkham Roy, it's when I figured it out. He'd pretty much checked out back then, lived more inside his own head than out of it.’ Dick explained, the weary sadness permeating through the guy’s very being suggested just how painful those memories were. Roy couldn't not wrap an arm around his friend and press a kiss to the top of his head.  
‘You made the right call Dickiebird. You stuck by him, he don't talk about hospital, but he talks about your visits.’  
‘He does?’  
Now, apparently, it was Dick’s turn to look like a cartoon character who'd run off a cliff, but Roy just nodded and kissed his head again.  
‘Yeah. He does.’  
‘You gotta go get him Roy. You could get though to him, I know it.’ Dick said, nodding with such confidence in his idea Roy couldn't help but nod along.  
‘Huh? What! He lied to me Dick? What makes you think-‘  
‘Out of all of us, only you know what it's like to hear them. Out of everyone, you know.’

Roy didn't come back that evening. By the time night fell, Jason had resulted to banging his head against the wall in vain hope of knocking himself out. It would be quiet then.  
‘Breathe. You're going to be okay. In and out. In and out. Breathe.’  
Closing his eyes, Jason sank down to the floor and tried to follow the instructions. Without the voice he'd never have noticed the panic that had slowly been building. He tried to tell himself that Roy would be back soon but he knew it was a lie. Lies were what had caused Roy to leave and now he wasn't coming back, but telling the truth would have had the same result. He just couldn't catch a break.  
‘Ssh, just go to sleep. Sleep. So tired. Tired. Sleep.’  
Grumbling to himself, Jason stumbled up to his feet and decided that maybe going to bed might be a good idea. Everything might look better in the morning. He decided to skip his medication for today, it's not like it made any difference.

Things weren't better in the morning, in fact, it was just an elongated version of the nightmare fuelled night that ripped him from any attempt at sleep. Roy's side of the bed was still empty and his boots weren't by the door when Jason went to look. At least being alone meant that there was no one there to see him cry.  
Ignoring to hollow emptiness that ached in his chest, Jason made his way to the kitchen to fix himself some toast. Placing the bread in the toaster, he pushed the lever down and waited, fingers drumming lightly on the counter.  
‘Cut, cut now. You want to hurt yourself. Do it. Do it now.’  
‘No. Leave me alone!’ Jason yelled as loudly as he could, hoping the volume would drown it all out. It was so much harder on his own. His eyes drifted over to the knife block.  
‘Cut. Cut yourself. You want to.’  
Gritting his teeth, Jason fisted his hands and held them tightly to his sides as he left. Forgetting the toast that had popped up. Instead he went to living room and switched everything on, the tv, the radio, the laptop, everything, and turned the sound on full blast.  
The hours ticked by and the bad thoughts got worse. Getting louder and louder in his head.  
‘Cut, cut yourself. Do it. Do it now.’  
‘No. I won't.’ Jason protested but his fight had long since turned into a pathetic whimper.  
‘No one likes you, pathetic. Look at him all alone. He thought he had friends. Why would anyone stick around? Why even try? You're not good enough. Never good enough.’  
Slamming his hands over his ears, Jason curled up on the floor and sobbed. He couldn't take it anymore.

‘Cut yourself. Do it now.’  
Pausing, Jason screwed up his face and looked over in the direction of the kitchen. His scars itched and burned on his arm. He could do it. Everything stopped when he did it.  
‘You'll feel so much better.’  
Stumbling up to his feet, Jason shakily made his way over to the kitchen. The knives were in the knife block. Next think he knew, he was over the sink, one of the knives pressed against his wrist.  
‘Do it. End it.’  
‘Don't do it.’  
‘Do it.’  
‘Don't, don't, don’t’  
‘END!’  
Squeezing his eyes shut, Jason pressed down.

‘Jaybird!’  
Strong arms wrapped around his middle and hauled him away. The shock causing him to drop the knife. It clattered into the metal sink. That was when Jason saw the blood. All of it. Everywhere. Flowing out of his wrist like a faucet.  
‘No! No, no, no, no!’ He screamed, making to crawl away before realising his was stood up, pinned against a firm chest.  
‘Jason. No. I'm not letting you go.’  
That was real. Blinking, he looked behind him to see Roy, looking completely distraught as he held him tightly.  
‘I didn't mean. I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Don't leave, please don't leave.’ Jason rambled.  
Roy shushed him softly and grabbed a tea towel, wrapping it tightly around his partner’s bleeding wrist.  
‘I'm so sorry, Jaybird. I shouldn't have left you. Please forgive me? Come on, that must hurt? Let me clean it up yeah?’  
That made sense. His wrist really did hurt and Roy was back and he was saying he could make it better.  
‘Calm. You're going to be alright. It will be better. Sleep, tired, chaos. Sleep, tired chaos.’

Roy ushered Jason into the living room and sat him down on the couch, before dashing off to retrieve the med kit. The noise level in the apartment was absurd, he could guess why he had everything on full blast. He turned everything off as he went.  
Jason barely reacted when he returned and began to clean and stitch the laceration on his Jaybird's wrist. With every stitch he couldn't help but beat himself up, this wouldn't have happened if he hadn't of left Jason alone for nearly 24 hours.  
‘Jay? Jaybird? Jason?’ He called out softly, smiling when Jason blinked and looked down at him.  
‘Have you eaten? Drunk anything?’  
The vague memory of putting bread in the toaster came to mind, but he couldn't remember actually eating it so he shook his head. No. He hadn't eaten or drunk anything since Tim bought him that milkshake. Tim had been so nice to him and he'd been an ass.  
‘Okay. What about medication Jaybird? You taken your meds?’  
‘Medication. The medication isn't working. Turning you into the person you least want to be.’  
‘Medication. Sleep. Tired. Chaos.’  
Shaking his head, Jason went to slam his hands over his ears again but yelped in pain when his wrist protested the movement.

‘Jaybird, I know it's hard, but focus. Try to focus on my voice, Jaybird.’  
‘Focus, focus, focus. Help, let him help. Be better.’  
Nodding slowly, Jason frowned and tried to focus on Roy’s voice, on his lips moving. If nothing else he was quite adept at lip reading.  
‘That's it Jaybird.’ Roy praised with a soft smile. ‘Jaybird, I can't help if you ain't honest okay? Do you hear voices? Hear things no one else can?’  
‘You don't know. I'm not crazy!’ Jason immediately yelled back, feeling the urge to leap on the defensive. Instead of shouting back, Roy lifted his hands and cocked his head to the side like a harmless puppy.  
‘I can make an educated guess Jaybird. Hearing voices, it, it don't mean you're crazy? I-I've heard ‘em too. That make me crazy?’  
‘N-no.’ Jason mumbled, blinking through tears, he only just now realised were there, he studied Roy intently. ‘You hear them? What they say? You know. You know I didn't wanna do it, the milkshake, the cutting. I didn't.’  
Grabbing hold of Jason's hands that had begun to flail, thumbs stroking the back of Jason's hands in an attempt to soothe him.  
‘Ssh, no one’s mad at you Jaybird. Come on, come to the kitchen with me and we’ll have chat yeah? After you've eaten summit.’

 

Jason didn't remember agreeing, but somehow he was sat at the kitchen table nibbling on some toast and sipping at a glass of orange juice. Roy was sat next to him, nursing a cup of coffee.  
‘He's eating toast for dinner. They know.’  
‘Shut up.’ Jason grumbled, pointedly shoving a piece of toast in his mouth to prove a point. Glancing up warily, he noticed Roy watching him but he didn't seem fazed by his behaviour. Instead, he just took another swig of coffee and set it down with a soft sigh.  
‘You got ‘em real good ain't ya Jaybird.’  
‘Shut up. You don't know.’ Jason spat, he was too tired and too everything to even try and maintain a cover anymore. He was just so very, tired.  
‘I do Jaybird. I used to hear voices, when I was rattling. Not the same as you, no, but that's my point. You ain't gotta be ashamed Jaybird, hearing voices, it's a lot more common than you think. It doesn't mean you're crazy!’  
Jason didn't know what to make of that. Sniffing, he looked down at the remainder of his toast and pushed it away with a sigh.  
‘You done?’ Roy asked and Jason just carried on staring at the plate forlornly.  
‘Yeah.’ Jason was pretty sure that had a double meaning when he lifted his head to meet Roy’s eye. ‘It's not all the time.They ain't all bad. Sometimes, the woman, she helps me. The man is always nasty.’

Roy smiled and held out his hand for Jason to take.  
‘Stupid. You're so stupid. Listening to his lies. They are all lying to you.’  
Jason whimpered and shook his head. That wasn't true. Roy wouldn't lie, he wouldn't.  
‘Jaybird, you wanna take your Seroquel?’  
‘No, please don't make me.’ Jason practically pleaded. Standing up, Roy hauled his partner along with him and made his way to the bathroom.  
‘I'm not going to make you Jay, but why not? If it helps?’  
‘It don't. I just feel tired, all the time.’ Jason grumbled, eyeing up the bathroom door with a sense of betrayal. Pausing, Roy nodded thoughtfully before opening the door and ushering him inside. Jason stood on the bath mat and glared fire and brimstone at the medicine cabinet.  
‘Okay. How about the rest? Hmm? Will you take those?’ Roy asked hopefully, even if he could just get a benzo down him he'd be onto a winner. Jason would at least chill enough to sleep then.  
‘Medicine. Medicine. He's taking his medicine. Just a spoon full of sugar.’  
‘O-okay. No Seroquel?’ Jason asked cautiously, stepping closer to the medicine cabinet he opened it and took out the packets he needed.  
‘Not if you don't want to, Jay. It's your choice.’ Roy reaffirmed, standing watch over by the doorway because after the knife incident, he didn't quite trust Jason to be left alone again tonight.

A little while later things had quietened down. The odd voice popped up but it was more a narrative about what Jason and Roy were doing than anything else. Once Jason had to hide a giggle because of whisperings in his ear saying how hot and fuckable Roy was. Dirty bastards!  
They were both snuggled up in bed watching silly films on the tv. Jason pressed himself right up against Roy just to prove to himself that he was still there.  
‘Jaybird?’  
‘Hmm?’  
‘Roy's texting. He's texting. Texting on the phone. In the bed. In the house that Jack built.’  
Jason snorted at the idiocy of that one, still feeling wrong for being so open in front of Roy but he really didn't seem to mind or think him crazy.  
‘Jaybird, listen. I've been talking to a friend of mine. He's a voice hearer too. Has been for many years. He has schizophrenia.’  
‘I ain't got schizophrenia.’ Jason grumbled, deciding there and then he didn't want to hear anymore, but he wanted to know why Roy was texting shit about him.  
‘I know that. That isn't what this is about. I just, you know, sometimes I go to my group don't I? I find it helpful, to talk to others like me?’ Roy pressed cautiously, watching Jason's eyebrow disappear into his hairline. ‘Well, my friend, Tig, he um, he runs a Hearing Voices group. He says if you wanna? You can pop along next week?’  
Jason suddenly turned bright red before shaking his head violently.

‘No. No. I don't like people and tests and, and’  
‘It's peer run Jaybird, no professionals or tests. Just people like you? I think it might be good. You can find out how to live with voices, or just bore them to death with an in depth analysis of War and Peace.’ Pausing, Roy saw that Jason was at least considering the idea so he pressed onwards. ‘I'll come? If you want me to? The first time until you feel more comfortable?’  
There was a long, pregnant silence. Jason ran the idea through his head, again and again.  
‘Calm down. Talk to someone. Like you, they'll be like you. Calm down.’  
‘Okay. I’ll think about it.’ Jason mumbled, smiling when he felt Roy snake an arm around his waist.  
Turning inwards, he brushed his lips against Roy's, who returned the kiss gently.  
‘Do you think redheads taste like cinnamon?’  
‘Lick him and find out. Do it.’


End file.
